Semi-Mindless Prattle
Charity Muggers
Has anyone else noticed a sharp increase in charity muggers lately? I feel like every block I walk these days there is some perky teenager with a clipboard asking me if I have a few minutes for…whatever.
Seriously, NO, I don’t have a few minutes for the International Adopted Baby Alligator fund or fucking Greenpeace or, spaghetti help me, PETA! You can always spot them by their matching t-shirts and the aura of “holier than thou.” They travel in twos, one facing each direction, running interference with pedestrians, trying to get one to slow down enough to ensnare in a web of liberal guilt. “Do you have a minute? Do you have a minute? Do you want to learn why I’m a better environmentalist that you? Join my club because I’m wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and a bandana!”
These people cause the worst kind of sidewalk congestion and are indignant in their self-righteousness when you say no thank you, or when you ignore them. They look shocked and whine “You don’t have to be a asshole” or “You’re ruining the environment, you jerk!”
Yep, it’s my fault.
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. A teenager with a clipboard on the street at 8:30 in the morning when I’m trying to go to work is not going to get me to get on board with your cause. Seriously, you think I’m up this early just walking around looking for somebody to please tell me how I can help the animals! PLEASE, I need to know! I haven’t had my coffee, I still have my subway face on and you’re bouncing around in front of me like a supercharged meth addict. Seriously, I care about most of the same things you do environmentally speaking, but you make me want to dump crude oil into the Chesapeake.
And by the way, PETA girl, I’m pretty sure that those Nikes you have one were made by a Taiwanese teenager in a sweatshop. Try getting on board with the ethical treatment of people, you moron, before you get all up in my grill.
